The show opens with the judges talking about how the contestants have to be “in it to win it”.
Actually Sanjaya and Phil look like they would rather be kicked out so they can go home and get back to whatever it is they do.
They introduce tonight’s guest host, Diana Ross, who looks sedated and witch-like. I can only hope one of the guys chooses to sing “Swept Away”.
BRANDON ROGERS opens the show with a manic rendition of the Supremes, and when he stops screaming he forgets the words. OUCH!
Randy is disappointed, telling him only the last two notes were any good.
Paula dispatches some feel good words, but admits he stunk.
Simon looks like he’d rather be home shopping for mansierres for his man boobs. He hates it. No surprise.
SCORE: -3 for all the judges hating him, -5 for forgetting the words.
MALINDA DOOLITTLE says she hates getting all dressed up and I agree. I think the stylists dress her like an old woman. MONICA then comes out and blows the audience away with her version of some show tuney Ross song.
Randy yells “check it out” and then says Monica is good, but not at her best.
Paula cries but I’m not sure it’s the song or the drugs.
Simon says she made a bad song good. (+1)
SCORE: 3 for making Paula cry, three for getting all the judges to like her, and one for a Simon compliment. +7
CHRIS SLIGH gives “ENDLESS LOVE” a Coldplay kind of feel, which is very Chris Daughtry of him. The stylists have taken his glasses off, a plus for me.
Randy compliments his look, but hates the arrangement, calling it a mess.
Paula talks around the fact that she hated it.
Simon thought it was drone like and uninspiring.
SCORE: All three judges said it sucked -3, I’ll give him a point for Randy noticing the glasses were gone. -2
GINA GLOCKSEN is star struck with Miss Ross, whose face now appears so tight, I’m afraid it may spring out and injure one of the kids.
GINA does “Love Child”, which I remember my friend Rod never liked because his Dad left when he was three.
She looks good in her tight jeans, a sturdy woman she be! I think she does a great job with the song. But I liked John Stevens, so what do I know?
Randy utters a “Yo”, and calls it pitchy (BING -3) and weird (BING -2).
Paula didn’t like it either, but she’s coherent and doesn’t glad hand.
Simon calls it unremarkable, and calls it “middle-pack” (?)
SCORE: -5
SANJAYA (he really only needs one name now, doesn’t he?)
SANJAYA is the first to get hated on by Miss Ross, who is off the sauce, and cracks on his hair, which probably giving her 60’s flashbacks.
SANJAYA actually isn’t half bad, but his hair is all curly and weird and he moves in an odd Bollywood fashion.
Randy blasts him for sucking ass big time, but gives his hair props (+1).
Paula blasts him for being a wimp and not having balls.
Simon dislikes it but compliments him for being brave and gives his hair props (+1)
SCORE: All three judges hated on him (-3) but the hair compliments bring him to -1.
HALEY “Who?” SCARNATO is next, and I just noticed she’s kind of hot. Miss Ross says she’s got a recording studio voice as opposed to a live voice, whatever that means.
HALEY’S relaxed and belts out the Marvin Gaye death song “Missing You”. She’s better than all the guys, but that ain’t saying much. She mumbles a few of the words and the whole thing has a bad vibe to it. Let’s go the judges…
Randy says he’s shocked, but never really tells why.
Paula compliments her on her looks (+1) and her pitch (-3)
Simon remembers her name and says it wasn’t half bad. And then she cries. (+4)
SCORE: Simon liking her gets her a point, but she loses five for forgetting the words. -2
PHIL STACEY brings back memories for Miss Ross, but they are never spelled out. Good memories? Bad memories? PHIL is told to look at the audience because they are people. Okay.
PHIL goes out and sounds screechy singing “I’m going to make you love me”. Is it just me or are they intentionally saving the good boys for last? Judges? What do you think?
Randy asks what Phil thinks of his performance and then says his vocals were the boys best of the night (+5)
Paula is vague and odd.
Simon says it was a good choice of song. (+3)
TOTAL: What? +8? He out pointed Malinda? That’s so wrong.
LAKISHA JONES baffles Miss Ross with a question about where the mic stand should be. Miss Ross also refers to our
Our MISS JONES slays with her version of “God Bless The Child” from “Lady Sings The Blues”. And she looks resplendent in her white gown.
Randy says “check it out” twice before calling her sensational. One point for complimenting the gown.
Paula speaks but says nothing. I’ll say it was obvious to give Kiki another point.
Simon says Malinda and her are above the rest. It’s a compliment, and a point.
SCORE: +6 (Sorry, I tried to give her more points, but they weren’t there.)
BLAKEY “Mr. Turntable Mouth” LEWIS admits Michael Jackson is his favorite artist. This is a blatant attempt to suck up to Miss Ross. BLAKE’s going to beatbox a version of “You Keep Me Hanging On” (not the Kim Wilde version).
Wearing a yuppie meets Timberlake suit, BLAKE lives up to his promise, showing why he may be the only guy to advance past week six of the finals. He doesn’t do any wicky wick though.
Randy utters his first “dawg”, but the “check it out”s and the “know what I mean”s are killing me.
Paula thinks Blake is a good singer.
Simon didn’t get it, but then again he doesn’t know who the 311 are either. Bad news for Chris.
SCORE: 0
STEPHANIE EDWARDS has chosen “Love Hangover” which reminds of Donna, my ninth grade Homecoming date. Like all my high school loves, Donna just wanted to be “my friend”. I wanted fringe benefits. Oh well. Last time I saw Donna, she had six kids and her husband left her. Who’s hungover now?
Randy accuses Stephanie of missing words (-5), but gives her a good song choice plug (+3)
Paula goes off on some weird tangent about arrangements.
Simon explains it by saying she cut out the best part of the song.
SCORE: All three agree she stunk (-3), total is -5
CHRIS RICHARDSON now has the added pressure of trying to top Phil (?) as top guy of the night.
He goes with the least popular Diana Ross song ever, the 70’s disco piece of crap “The Boss”.
I’m rooting for him, but there’s no way to overcome that song choice, is there?
Randy starts in with a dawg and likes it a little.
Paula called it fun.
Simon didn’t like the vocals, and says people would switch the channels immediately.
SCORE: 0
Last but not least, it’s this year’s cute teen girl, JORDIN SPARKS, who is going with a song from the “Land before Time” (?).
She seems to have a lot of poise for a 17 year old. I think she’s moved past Stephanie into third place, but again, I thought Chris Sligh sounded good tonight.
Randy agrees with me! I don’t know if that’s a good thing.
Paula calls her “a breath of fresh air” which should be a scoring phrase next week.
Simon calls it gooey but agrees with the others that she’s a hottie.
SCORE: +4
What? Nobody did “Swept Away” or “I’m Coming Up”? That’s an affront to the 70’s!!!
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