BLAKE LEWIS: THROWS DOWN SOME 311 MIXED IN WITH SOME SNOW "INFORMER"
RANDY DOESN’T KNOW SONG…BONUS POINT
PAULA DOESN’T KNOW SONG… BONUS POINT
ALL THREE JUDGES LOVE HIM…PLUS FIVE
SIMON COMPLIMENTS HIM…PLUS ONE
BLAKE REVEALS HE HAS AN ALTER EGO NAMED JIMMY BOB OR SOMETHING…I SHOULD DOCK HIM POINTS FOR THIS, BUT I WON’T…
TOTAL: SIX, AS HE LOSES THE BONUS POINTS FOR GOING BEYOND AIR GUITAR INTO AIR SCRATCHING AN IMAGINARY TURNTABLE…
SANJAYA: BUTCHERS JOHN MAYER’S “WAITING ON THE WORLD TO CHANGE”
I DIDN’T THINK ANYONE COULD RUIN THIS SONG…I WAS WRONG…
BUT HE’S MY CONTESTANT, SO VOTE FOR HIM…
SANJAYA ALSO ADMITS HE KNOWS HOW TO HULA…THAT SHOULD ALSO COST HIM POINTS…BUT I CAN’T DO THAT, NOT TO SANJAYA, HE MIGHT CRY…
ALL THREE JUDGES HATE HIM…MINUS THREE
SIMON MAKES A POSITIVE REFERENCE TO HIS HAIR “MAYBE YOUR HAIR IS KEEPING YOU IN THE COMPETITION, I DON’T KNOW”…PLUS THREE
TOTAL: ZERO
SUNDANCE HEAD: MAKES ME VOMIT WITH A WRONG RENDERING OF “JEREMY” BY
HE SAYS HE’S JUST WEARING A FAT SUIT AND THAT HE’S ACTUALLY SVELTE INSIDE…HE BETTER PULL OUT MR. THIN SOON, BECAUSE MR. FAT SUIT AIN’T GETTING IT DONE.
RANDY CALLS HIM PITCHY…MINUS THREE
PAULA IS VAGUE…ZERO POINTS
SIMON HATES SONG CHOICE AND COUGHS UP A BAR BAND REFERENCE…MINUS SIX
SORRY, SUNDANCE: MINUS NINE
RYAN ANNOUNCES THAT COUNTRY SINGER TRAVIS TRITT IS IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THAT RANDY IS PRODUCING HIS ALBUM…POOR GUY, HIS CAREER IS ALREADY ON THE ROCKS, AND NOW THIS…
CHRIS RICHARDSON: SINGS SOME WHINY KEITH URBAN SONG AND SUCKS BIG TIME…IT’S NOT ONLY WHINY, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE OFF KEY…
CHRIS REVEALS HE PLAYED COLLEGE FOOTBALL…AND LOST LOTS OF WEIGHT SINCE THEN…THIS STARTLING REVELATION ACTUALLY IMPRESSES NO ONE…EXCEPT RYAN…WHO SEEMS TO BE COMING ON TO HIM…
RANDY THINKS HE WAS GOOD…I’VE DECIDED TO ADD A POINT FOR GETTING A “IN IT TO WIN IT” CLICHÉ FROM RANDY…PLUS ONE…
PAULA GIVES HIM A GOOD SONG CHOICE…PLUS THREE
I’LL GIVE HIM A POINT FOR A VAGUE SIMON COMPLIMENT…PLUS ONE…
TOTAL: FIVE
JARET KOTTER: BLOWS OUT SOME REALLY OLD SCHOOL STEVIE WONDER…HE SCARES PEOPLE BY DANCING LIKE A WHITE GUY…OOPS, SURPRISE, HIS MOM IS WHITE AND THAT’S WHERE HE GETS HIS MOVES FROM…
JARET BECOMES THE SECOND COLLEGE ATHLETE TO BE OUTED TONIGHT…HE’S A HOOPSTER, BUT QUALIFIES IT WITH A “DIVISION 2” COMMENT WHICH MOST OF
IF RANDY SAYS “JOINT” ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO LIGHT ONE UP…
JARET’S PERFORMANCE IS SO LAME, NONE OF THE JUDGES SAY ANYTHING THAT SCORES, WHICH IS WORTH A POINT ON ITS OWN…
TOTAL: ZERO, AS THE POINT IS TAKEN AWAY BY HIS DANCING…
RYAN TALKS TO PHIL AND BRANDON WHO HAVE APPARENTLY BEEN ATTENDING PAULA’S SCHOOL OF TALKING FOR A LONG TIME AND SAYING NOTHING…
BRANDON ROGERS: THROWS DOWN SOME “CELEBRATE” BY RARE EARTH, THE ONLY WHITE BAND THAT RECORDED ON MOTOWN…HOW’S THAT FOR TRIVIA…
RANDY GIVES BRANDON A “GOOD SONG CHOICE” PEG…PLUS THREE
PAULA TALKS AND SAYS NOTHING…
SIMON TAKES HIS POINTS AWAY BY SAYING THE SONG WAS A BAD IDEA AND MAY GET HIM TOSSED…MINUS THREE
TOTAL: ZERO
PHIL STACEY: SINGS LEE ANN RIMES’ “I NEED YOU” AND MOST OF THE AUDIENCE LEAVES TO THROW UP…NOT ONLY BECAUSE HE RUINS THE SONG, BUT BECAUSE HIS HAT IS SO UGLY…AND RANDON…
PHIL IMPRESSES
RANDY SAYS IT’S PITCHY, MINUS THREE
PAULA DOESN’T LIKE THE SONG CHOICE, MINUS THREE
SIMON CALLS THE WHOLE THING “INSANE” AND MAKES A NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT HIS EYES…MINUS SIX
TOTAL: MINUS TWELVE
CHRIS SLIGH: IMPRESSES ME AGAIN BY PULLING OUT A GREAT SONG THAT ISN’T WELL KNOWN, “WE ARE BORN TO BE LOVED”
CHRIS ALSO REVEALS A FUN HAIR FACT, HE WAS ONCE BALD!!
RANDY DOESN’T LIKE THE SONG CHOICE, MINUS THREE
PAULA IS CONFUSED BY GOOD MUSIC AND IT RENDERS HER POWERLESS…
SIMON DIDN’T MIND IT ALL THAT MUCH, BUT HE’S DISAPPOINTED BY THE SONG, MINUS THREE…
TOTAL: MINUS SIX
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